Discovering who you are is something we all think of at one time in our life or another. Or maybe you are just starting to think about it! Who are you? I know I wanted to actually write what I have thought about. When I think of who I am, I go back to when I was little. When I actually decided who I was not going to be.
Now, that does get a bit complicated for others to understand. But at an early age I had decided how I wanted to be different. Have more than what I was given at that time. I didn’t want to be in poverty, as that is how I seen my life. Even at that young age, I knew we were not rich. Even when my dad passed I knew my whole life would change and yes it did not get much better. So I wanted to be rich when I got older, and not worry about or how I was getting money to pay for things. I basically never wanted to have to worry about anything. To just know that it was all being covered.
My Parents
My Mom and Dad were both Kamloops Residential School Survivors. That is a lot that comes with that phrase. Now they both had no real role model to grow up and follow in their footsteps. Because they grew up in a school and learned how they were told to live. Not the life that is for sure!!! I get that they didn’t know how to be a mom or dad, cause they had no role model for that. Yet, of course, they had kids. Or I should say one kid, ’cause that is me. I know my mom or dad- was someone I did not want to become. Mainly because they were in my eyes- alcoholics, and didn’t know how to parent. Not good core values- they never really knew what they wanted.
I do wonder now, did they ever think of discovering who you are? Or did they think this was who they were meant to be and didn’t have a clue to who they even were. Cause of all the trauma they endured back then. Never even thought of a different life for themselves or others. Not even a way of how to think of discovering who you are.
Who Were They Individually?
I know my dad worked as a carpenter for his band in Bridge River in B.C. He had died when I was 7, from what I was told. As I don’t really remember too much. But I do know, he worked a lot, we never saw him much. The family said he was always there to help family members in need. He loved what he did, building houses for the reserve. I knew he drank, ’cause that is all I remembered when he came home. Was he sat in front of the tv, watched hockey, and drank stuff out of a glass. Maybe beer too, not much though. Remember the fighting my parents did, and that was a lot.
My mom was a home care worker. Don’t remember how long though. Just knew she has a uniform. But she may have only done that for a year or 2. She didn’t really raise me either, as I got to do what I wanted. I was more or less caring for her when I was about 12 or 13 yrs old. Anything from cooking and cleaning and paying rent and food shopping. Why did I do so much, cause she drank a lot also? I really just got told to do it, cause I was supposed to be doing something.
So When I Grew Up!
When I was the young age of 8 yrs old. I was not going to become like my parents. I came to this conclusion not too long ago. When I was told to think of something that traumatized me when I was younger, I really had to dig deep. Cause I had buried it, but my counselor thought all my trauma came from somewhere deep in my childhood memories. That is when I found out how I really thought about my parents and how they raised me. I didn’t know I really thought this way till I was told to relive that moment in time. When I knew I had changed when I knew what I wanted and how it was gonna happen.
I relived the pain and hurt I felt and was able to do something about it. How to live in the moment and to dissolve the pain I buried away. I acknowledged it and accepted it and moved on past it. Cause now I understood it and knew where the root was. This sure did help me to find myself and where things veered off for me. I didn’t know how to find this all until I was to see a counselor. This was the moment in my life that I realized I grew up. Way back when I was very little I already knew where my life was going.
Why Is It Traumatic?
Because this time in my memory, I remembered. Being a child, locked out of my mom’s home. Outside in the pouring rain, no jacket. Knocking at the door, then the window. Trying to get inside, I couldn’t. So I looked into the window, to see my mom sleeping on the couch. I kept banging on the window and she never answered or even moved. I thought she was dead, till she did move. But she never did wake up either. I remember coming home from school and being outside long enough for it to get dark. Only having my school bag with me. I was locked out and cold and wet and wondering what I was going to do. I cried for a long time.
And I remember not wanting to be anything like my mom at all. I will never lock my kids out of the house. Be drunk and passed out and not care for them. I was going to figure out how to be better and make myself better also. That made me think about discovering who you are is the question I asked myself alot.
But when I was outside banging on the window and I started screaming at my mom. A neighbor heard me and came and took me inside to his place. Feed me and got me dry clothes and we kept calling my mom on the phone till she answered. Was a long time next door, and I almost felt like how would it be to live there. Cause he cared about me, seemed like my mom didn’t care. But she did, she just didn’t know how to be a mom. Or how to cope with all she was dealing with, cause my dad had passed away before this time in my life.
Which I came to understand later on, helped in discovering who I am.
Discovering who you are
Trying to discover who you are can be hard. Especially if you don’t even know where to start, or how to do it. Research can be your best friend and help you along the way. Peel back the layers of you and who you are and what you aspire to be. We all have a good in the end. Who we want to be or maybe even as far back as when we were a child. Like in elementary, we are all asked. What do you want to be when you grow up? How about just ask yourself that now! Or even what would you change about yourself and make you better? Dig deep discover who you are and what you are looking to change and be a better you.
ME
I am a mother of 5 children and 3 grandchildren, one more coming soon. Also, am a recovering alcoholic and a stay-at-home mother. Running my own at-home business, on the Internet.
I have also decided I was to be one of the moms that would consistently tell their kids that I love them. Cause my mom never did that for me. So I was going to change that here and now. Which is yet another thing I wanted to change the cycle of our family history.
Family History
We have a lot of alcoholics in our family, as far as I can remember. Back to my grandpa on my mom’s side. I know of. All aunties and uncles were on my dad’s side. The ones I know of anyways, cousins also. So it has been a hard road for sure, can’t lie and say I was not into drinking also. I followed the same path and realized all the damage I had done along the way. My family was hurt and I had to change. So it is starting with me and my younger children don’t see that side of me as my older kids had. I am helping myself to grow up. It helps you too- discovering who you are.
I wanted to be here for my kids and have them look up to me. Not to die at a young age, because of alcohol. That is how my parents had passed away. My dad, was drunk and passed out, and died inside a house fire. My mom was not to be drinking anymore. She chose to drink despite what the dr said. She eventually died, cause her liver went on her. So sad, but very true. I have come to be a stronger person because of my up bringing. Would not change it for anything. Cause I love the person I have become!!!